It doesn’t matter how much you love and care for your boyfriend. If you are upset with him it’s always going to be hard to find the right words to say or ways to make him understand.
This is especially true if you’re angry and you want to avoid having a full blown argument or fight around something he’s done you did not like or agree with.
Sadly though, your boyfriends not going to be a mind reader anytime soon. So you can’t hold an expectation from him to understand you’re upset without first making it clear in your own words and what you say to him.
Picking the right things to say to him when your upset with him will often heavily depend on exactly why you are upset or even angry with him.
However, the purpose and your aim will always remain the same. You need to pick one of the many ways to get the message across to your boyfriend about how you feel. Be clear about why you are upset with him, and why the things he has done to you hurt so much.
There are many ways to approach talking to your boyfriend when you’re upset with him. Here are some of the ways we’d recommend
How To Talk With Your Boyfriend When You’re Upset With Him?
1. Use “I” When Speaking To Him Instead Of “You”
When talking to him, and explaining why you’re upset. Use words like “I feel” or “I think” instead of “You did this…” or “Why can’t you…”
If you are explaining to him the things he has done that have made you upset. It’s much easier to not put him on the spot by saying “You” to get a far more considered response from him.
Your boyfriend needs time to process what you are saying as well. So using the words “I” instead of “You” helps give him the time to consider exactly how you feel. It also lessens the chances of the situation escalating to a full-blown argument.
If you make it sound like your sharing your feelings, and not accusing him right from the get-go. He’s more likely to share his views, and listen to your side of the story.
2. Remain Calm As Best You Can
Remaining as calm as you possibly can is really important. If you want answers from your boyfriend, or for him to understand why you are angry or upset.
This is far more likely to be achieved if he’s not confronted by someone shouting, or screaming at him. As he may become a closed book, or try his best just to ignore you.
Some tips for staying calm are:
- Take a deep breath to calm yourself down.
- Don’t be afraid to take a break from explaining to him.
- Get comfortable, or find a comfortable place for conversation.
- Ensure you’re both ready and focused on talking together.
- Remove distractions like phones, television, etc.
If you can establish a calm environment to talk in, and explain to your boyfriend why you upset or angry. This will be half the battle to ensuring your message is clear and he understands.
3. Don’t Give Him The Reaction He’s Looking For
If you talk to your boyfriend about the things he’s done that make you upset, and he starts looking get a rise out of you. Don’t fall for it!
Sometimes a boyfriend who knows they are clearly in the wrong will try to get a reaction from you. Either with their actions or with words. In an effort to make it seem like you’re the problem.
[Read: 9 Traits Of A Terrible Boyfriend That You Need To Avoid]
Don’t give him any excuse to escape your explanation of how the things he’s done make you feel. If you remain calm and clear in your sharing of feelings or thoughts. This should give him no way out, or no way to irritate you or make your mood that much worse while escaping the problem.
4. Keep Your Body Language Relaxed
Our brains are trained to intuitively read each other’s body language without us even realizing most of the time. So this is also true for the situation you find yourself in with your boyfriend.
You need to ensure that when you are trying to talk or explain to him why you are upset. That your body language remains relaxed doesn’t throw the conversation into a downward spiral.
It’s natural to want to do things like pointing at him, facing away from him, or even look visually angry while you’re trying your best to explain. But to have a real chance of your message getting through to him, you really need to try and stay relaxed.
While it may be hard, here are some of the few things you should try to avoid doing during the conversation with him:
- Shouting or screaming at him or near him.
- Pointing your finger in his face.
- Facing away from him.
- Crossing your arms.
While it might sound strange to stop yourself from doing these things that come so naturally. Simple changes to your body language can have a serious impact on how he would approach a conversation with you.
If you want to get a far better reaction from him or get him to be far more likely to listen to what you have to say. Try some of the following tips:
- Open body, facing your boyfriend.
- Sit down and keep yourself relaxed.
- Make eye contact with him.
- Say what you mean with your face, not your hands.
- Hold his hand (If the discussion is beginning to cool off)
5. Speak To Him With A Calm Tone
Trying your best to speak with him in a calm or conversational tone can be seriously important. This is because in many cases where couples get into heated arguments. It’s actually been caused by someone raising their voice.
When we raise our voices when talking, explaining a point, or getting our message across. It’s walking a fine line between being understood or being seen as aggressive or offensive.
No matter what you are trying to say. If you say this while shouting or you appear angry. Much of this will be lost in translation, and it will often provoke the other person to do the same in reply.
Of course, keeping your voice down might be the least of your concerns if you’re severely upset or angry with him. However, making an effort to speak in a calm or more friendly tone may go a long way towards helping him to understand.
6. Keep Your Sentences Short
When you’re upset with your boyfriend. It’s going to be completely natural to not want to say too much to him. As after all, you’re still processing the things he has done that have upset you. Or don’t feel ready to talk to him right now.
However, if your boyfriend can see that you are replying to him with short sentences, and you’re keeping your replies short and to the point. It may lead to him realizing that something ‘really’ is wrong and he needs to pay attention.
Keeping your sentences short will allow you to talk to him and take a breath in between. It’s important that you take your time while talking to your boyfriend to ensure the message is clear, and that the conversation does not escalate beyond having a heart to heart with him.
7. Don’t Expect Answers Right Away
It’s very easy to expect that once you have explained to your boyfriend the things that are making you upset. That he will have all the answers for you right away or the reasons he does the things he did to you.
One thing you have to remember is that your boyfriend needs time to process what you are saying to him as well. Just like you, he might feel a certain way about what you are saying to him and need time to formulate a good or genuine reply.
[Read: The Things Men Secretly Want From You In A Relationship]
So it’s best not to rush your boyfriend or put him on the spot. Say your piece, then allow him time to digest what has been said and work on a way to fix things together.
8. Don’t Expect Him To Change Right Away
Much like expecting your boyfriend to have all the answers. You also can’t expect your boyfriend to change overnight. Changing who you really are is not going to be an easy process, and is something that should never be expected by the person you love.
However, if you have told your boyfriend the things that have upset you or things you feel he should change to improve your relationship together. Give him time as some of the suggestions you have made may make him feel under pressure. Especially if it’s the relationship on the line.
Don’t push him away or force him into a corner regarding the things you wish he would change. Instead, make it clear what you would like. Then give him time or even help him to improve to ensure this situation never happens again.
9. Explain To Him Clearly How You Feel
When you are upset with him, it’s never going to be easy to formulate exactly why or what to say to him into words. It could be a combination of factors or things he’s done to upset you, or perhaps you just generally feel unloved or underappreciated.
The important thing is that you find a way to explain what you have to say clearly to him and let him know exactly how you feel. The best way to do this is to think first about how you are going to approach him and what you might say.
If you pre-plan how to approach him or tell him exactly how you feel. It will usually come across as more considered or thoughtful, rather than it just being a snappy back and forth of feelings, emotion, and turmoil.
10. Pick The Right Moment
Picking the right moment or time to talk to him should also not be overlooked. You’re upset, but you also don’t want to be catching him for a talk at the worse possible moment.
While you can’t really put a time limit on how long you will be upset or picking the right moment may not always be possible. Here are some tips about the best time’s to approach him when picking the right moment for a talk:
- Give him time to settle and get comfortable after work, or arriving with you.
- Let him know you would like to have a heart to heart in advance.
- Try to avoid talking if you or he is tired and feeling run down.
- Talk and open up during a relaxed meal together.
- Only open up once you are ready, or know the words you want to say to him.
Even though these tips may not be ideal for every circumstance, and depend greatly on the reasons why you are upset. They help give you a glimpse and a better chance of picking the ideal moment to talk to your boyfriend.
11. Discuss How You Can Fix Things Together
It’s important that if your boyfriend has upset you, you’ve talked and come to the conclusion that he needs to change some things or work on himself. That you both help each other to work on this together.
[Read: 9 Signs That Your Boyfriend Is Really In Love With You]
He’s still your boyfriend after all, and he needs you to be there for him. If you feel that he’s not making the right changes, or is still doing the things that upset you. Talk and discuss these issues, and tackle them together.
12. Speak In His Language
Sure, he already speaks the same language as you. But are you speaking or explaining things to him in a way he really understands?
While most boyfriends will get the message crystal clear about why or how they have upset you. Sometimes you need to meet your boyfriend on the middle ground to ensure he truly understands.
Much of this depends on how you approach him. If you shout or argue the message may be lost in translation. However, if you approach him calmly and ensure all your words are understood. This will help to ensure your talking in a language he really understands.
13. Take A Break When Things Get Difficult
It’s by no means a bad decision to take a break from a conversation with him if you feel like the message just isn’t getting through. Telling him why you are upset or talking to him about your emotions or feelings can take a lot out of you.
When things get difficult take some time to take a breather and calm yourself. You can even go as far as to tell your boyfriend you need a break from talking, but you want to pick things back up with him later. Be clear with your intentions, and what you need at that moment.
14. Take Some Time For Yourself
Taking some time for yourself is important if you are upset. You need to give yourself time to process all the things that are going on, and also the things your boyfriend has done that upset you.
Giving yourself some time to re-evaluate things can help you know exactly what to say to him. It also gives you some time to seek advice from friends or family. Just be sure this is genuine advice and something that actually helps you.
Being upset with your boyfriend can be seriously draining. So do things on your own that make you feel better. If you have hobbies or interests focus on those to help you process what is going on. This will all help you calm yourself before eventually building up the courage to talk to him about it.
15. Consider If You Both Need Space
Realizing that you both need space in the relationship, or need to take a break is never going to be easy. However, if you implement it correctly it will come with zero risks regarding the relationship coming to an end.
You should consider yourself the pros and cons of taking a break from your boyfriend. Also, you need to evaluate what to say or how to approach this with him.
It may be the case you just don’t see each other for a while, but set a meeting time in a week or two’s time. Or you just go on a no-contact break and promise to pick things back up with him in a few days.
[Read: 15 Things To Never Post About Your Relationship On Social Media]
Either way, you look at it. If your heads already telling you that you need a break from things. Trust it, and figure out the best way to approach this without pushing your boyfriend away.
How To Tell Your Boyfriend When He Hurts Your Feelings
Telling your boyfriend that he’s genuinely hurt your feelings is always going to be a hard task. You’re still hurting from the things he has done, and it’s pretty hard to stop things from escalating when you both feel emotional or frustrated with the things that are happening.
To tell your boyfriend he’s hurt you, you should:
1. Be Clear About Why It Hurts
Make it crystal clear about how or why he has hurt you. Explain your feelings to him by saying “I feel” or “I think” and giving him the reasons you feel hurt or upset.
Ensure nothing is lost in translation, and that your words clearly clarify the reasons behind you feeling hurt.
2. Encourage Him To See Your Side Of Things
Give him encouragement to see your side of things. He needs to know what you are going through, and why exactly his actions or the things he has said have hurt you.
Getting him to see your side of the story will not be easy. But your boyfriend if he respects you should be willing to at the very least understand why you feel the way you feel.
3. Don’t Be Afraid To Show Emotions
When you are feeling hurt. Don’t hide your emotions or bottle them up. When you are talking to your boyfriend this is your opportunity to explain exactly why the things he has done have hurt you.
If you avoid showing emotion or hide your feelings away. Even after a heart to heart with him or a full-blown argument, you will still be left feeling like your hurt is not resolved. You need to bear your heart on the line, and let him see this.
Ensuring he understands and can view your emotions and feelings on the matter is the only way to ensure he gets the message. He needs to realize how much he’s hurt you so that you can move on from this together.
4. Be Clear About Your Expectations
If you have hidden or obvious expectations of him, or feel like your boyfriend should be acting in a certain way. Let this be known to him.
While having expectations of your boyfriend is probably not ideal, it’s better to share these than hide them away or become affected by them secretly when he doesn’t step up to the bar.
Level with your boyfriend about what your expectations from him and the relationship really are. Also, explain to him how the ways you feel hurt make you believe he’s not meeting your possible expectations.
How To Stop Your Boyfriend Getting Mad When You Tell Him How You Feel?
Talking to your boyfriend about how you really feel can sometimes seem like one of the hardest things to do. You want to get the message across to him, and use your words to express your feelings without him getting mad.
While this can obviously be easier with some guys more than others. This is especially true if you feel your boyfriend might get mad or frustrated by the things you have to tell him.
You want him to listen, take on board what you are sharing, but without him getting frustrated or angry!
With that being said, here are some of the ways to stop your boyfriend from getting mad when you tell him exactly how you feel:
1. Write Him A Letter
To some, writing him a letter might seem a little old fashioned or not the ideal way to get your point across. However, expressing how you truly feel in writing is actually ideal when helping to ensure your boyfriend doesn’t get mad at you.
If you can write him a handwritten letter explaining exactly how you feel, this will be something he can take the time to really read and mull over.
This helps you avoid making him mad because:
- It gives him plenty of time to discover your true feelings.
- It feels personal and from the heart.
- It allows him to read it multiple times and process what you are saying.
- It allows him to pick the right moment to read it.
- It makes him feel like he has time, and he’s not cornered or put on the spot.
- He’s seeing things from your perspective while reading.
- It’s up to him to make the next move.
Letters are ideal for sharing something that is genuine and from the heart. If you feel like it’s going to be hard to talk to him face to face, or you can’t even begin to think of the right words to say to him in that moment.
Take the time to write a letter, and give yourself plenty of time to pick the perfect words for him.
2. Time It To Perfection
Picking the perfect moment to confront your boyfriend with your thoughts or feelings should be something you strongly consider doing.
Catching your boyfriend off guard, or at a time when he’s stressed, tired, or generally not up for a long conversation is not going to be ideal.
You need to pick a moment with him when you know he’s got the time to sit down and really have a deep, thoughtful discussion with you. If he feels bombarded, or put on the spot before work or trying to go to sleep. It will inevitably lead to him becoming mad, angry, or frustrated. Not so much at you, but the situation.
Your aim is to get your message across to him. Share your feelings, and your thoughts. This can only be achieved if he’s really prepared to listen or at the very least has the time to give you the feedback you’re looking for.
3. Be Confident In Your Words
When you talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. You need to have a sense of inner confidence regarding how you genuinely feel. If you really believe he’s done something to upset you or make you angry. Tell him with confidence, and don’t leave any room for doubt in your mind.
If you lack confidence or conviction when you are explaining your feelings or thoughts to your boyfriend. He will most likely pick up on this, and it will lead to him potentially not believing the words you are saying to him.
[Read: 28 Worrying Signs He Is Not Ready For A Real Relationship With You]
If you don’t feel confident about approaching your boyfriend because you feel he might get mad at you. Seek advice from friends about what you might say to him, and get another perspective on how you should approach things.
If your friends agree or believe your feelings or thoughts are valid about him. You will feel far more confident when approaching him. Your feelings are justified, however, do not involve your friends in this matter. It should just be between you and your boyfriend.
4. Keep It Civil And Do Not Escalate
When tensions are high in your relationship with your boyfriend. It can be hard not to escalate things beyond a casual conversation if you have strong feelings or are upset.
Despite this, it’s best to keep it civil and try not to escalate towards a full-blown argument. If you make an effort to keep yourself calm, talk calmly to get the message across and take a break if you need it. This will help to ensure the situation never moves towards a shouting match.
If it’s your boyfriend who seems to have a desire for things to escalate, either because he doesn’t want to listen, or doesn’t agree with what you are saying. Be clear about your intentions. Tell him you’re just trying to have a heart to heart and you don’t want to have a full-blown argument.
Much of this depends on what you are trying to share with him. However, if you can try to stay as calm as possible or keep your emotions in check when talking to him. It will go a long way towards ensuring your message is crystal clear.