While the feelings and emotions involved with breaking up with your ex may be firmly in your past. They can come back to trouble you and re-emerge when you find out your best friend is dating your ex.
When you hear the unexpected news of your ex’s and your friend’s new romantic entanglement. It’s completely natural to feel betrayed, angry, and hurt by them both.
Especially if you still harbor feelings for your ex or still love them and you have made this clear to your friend.
You may feel that your friend has gone behind your back in some way, or that your ex is trying some kind of devious tactic to get back at you. Either way, it’s bound to make you feel unhappy and lose trust in those around you.
So what should you do to try and cope or come to terms with your best friend dating your ex? Should you lash out and tell them what you think about it? Or is it better to focus on healing and acceptance by being a better person?
What To do When Your Best Friend Dates Your Ex?
When you find out your best friend is dating your ex. It’s bound to send your emotions into a spiral. You will want to know what is happening between them, why are they dating, and if anything is being hidden from you?
It’s completely natural to feel betrayed by your friend, or as if they’re not really the friend you thought they were. But is that really the truth, or are there more things you need to consider?
So what should you do when your best friend dates your ex?
1. Take A Step Back
The first thing you should do when your best friend is dating your ex is to take a step back and re-evaluate what is happening. You need to consider everything you know about the situation and look at all the facts.
It’s very easy when first hearing the news about your friend and your ex to make a snap judgment, or view what is happening as the worst-case scenario. When the reality of what is happening may be much different, or may not actually revolve around you.
You can ask yourself questions like “Is their romantic interest in one another genuine?” or “Should I try to be happy for them, and move on?”.
When you pose questions to yourself in this way. It’s a much easier way to process your emotions and manage or justify any feelings of anger or betrayal you may have.
You need to fully understand the situation in your own mind before it can be tackled, or healed from. Focus on the facts and your feelings first about your ex and your friend dating before moving forward.
2. Focus On Yourself
Don’t allow your friend and ex’s new relationship to rule your life. Focus on yourself first and try to rise above it.
It’s very easy for a situation like your best friend dating your ex to rule your thinking. You may have feelings of anger, jealousy, or maybe even feel depressed at the prospect of them both being together.
However, it’s important to not lose sight of the direction your own life is going in. Independent of what is happening between your friend and your ex.
Focus on yourself and do things that will take your mind off them. Take action to improve your daily habits and overall happiness.
3. Realize It’s Okay To Feel Hurt
It’s important to realize that it’s OK to feel hurt or upset when you are thinking about your friends and ex’s new romance. It’s completely natural, as both of these people have held an important place in your heart.
You need to embrace the sadness, and vent or release all of the pent-up emotions. Give yourself time to grieve over what is happening, and accept your real feelings.
Talk to your other friends, and your family about your genuine feelings on the matter. Ask for advice, and seek an outside perspective on your feelings.
Once you realize it’s perfectly fine to feel this way, and have been able to grapple with some of these feelings and emotions. You can begin to see the bigger picture more clearly and figure out a way to confront or cope with your friend and your ex’s relationship.
4. Concentrate On Why You Broke Up
One of the easier ways to deal with your friend dating your ex is to remind yourself why you broke up with your ex-partner in the first place.
Perhaps they did things that made you unhappy during your relationship together, or the reasons you decided to break up with your ex were because of their bad habits and behavior.
[Read: Ex-Boyfriend Hates Me Because I Broke Up With Him]
When you realize you and your ex’s breakup was the best thing for you both. It will help you to manage your feelings of heartbreak involving your friend and ex-partner now dating.
5. Confront Your Friend
You need to confront your friend with your feelings about the situation and give them a chance to explain what is happening. If they are a true friend to you, they will give you a truthful and honest portrayal of what is happening.
When your friend is dating your ex, you need to hear them out and understand this may be a difficult situation for them to involving real feelings.
If you feel hurt, betrayed, or angry with your friend. It’s a good opportunity to be truthful and tell them exactly how this new relationship is making you feel.
Confronting your friend will be difficult, but it’s a step you need to take if you value your friendship and want to move past these negative feelings towards them.
6. Avoid Feelings Of Jealousy
When you are confronting your friend about your feelings and emotions regarding them dating your ex-partner. It’s important that you try to put any jealousy you have of their relationship to one side.
Jealousy can have a habit of bringing the worst out in people, and make you say or do things you don’t really mean in the heat of the moment.
While it is completely natural to have feelings of jealousy or envy about your friend now dating your ex. Don’t allow jealousy to rule your thinking or your judgment.
This is especially true if you still want to maintain friendships, and are looking to avoid any future drama with your friend or your ex.
7. Talk It Through With Them Both
If you feel like talking things through with them both will help you better understand the feelings you are having. Then talk to your friend to see if you can all hang-out together.
Use this opportunity to pose some serious questions to your friend and your ex to figure out exactly what their relationship is. Is it just a fling between them, or are they both looking for a long-term relationship with one another?
Knowing the facts from them both may help you see their new relationship from another perspective. It may help you realize that it’s less about them trying to hurt you, and more about the genuine feelings they might have for one another.
While talking to them both at once may not always the best situation to place yourself in emotionally. Especially if you are healing or reeling at the thought of them both being together.
It can be a step in the right direction, as you are beginning to rationalize the situation in your mind and separate your past with your ex from what is happening in the present.
8. Don’t Bring Up Negative Past Events
When you are talking to your friend or your ex, don’t bring up past events to support a negative view of their new relationship together.
The past is the past and bringing up things they have both done to hurt you will only ever contribute to damaging your friendship. Even if you think it’s the truth.
By bringing up past events about your ex to your friend. You are placing them in a difficult situation. They may feel like they have to pick a side or play piggie in the middle between you and your ex.
Try not to appear petty to your friend by bringing up reasons why they should not be dating your ex.
If you want there to be any hope of maintaining your friendship with them. You need to be considerate of their feelings too, or how this situation is also making them feel.
9. Don’t Give Ultimatums
Never ask your friend to pick between your ex and you. This is a sure-fire way to cause awkward problems and misunderstandings in your friendship.
By giving your friend an ultimatum, you are subtly challenging them to tell you whether or not they value your friendship over the relationship they have with your ex.
You have to come to terms with the fact that they have already chosen to begin dating your ex, possibly against your best wishes. So it’s surely time to heal and move on.
If you feel an overwhelming desire to give your friend an ultimatum because you’re not happy about the relationship they have. Put your focus on other friends and friendships.
Focusing on healing and other friends is always going to be better for you in the long run. As opposed to trying to control who your friend chooses to spend their time with.
10. Revaluate Your Friendship
When your friend has started dating your ex it’s important to re-evaluate your friendship and where you both stand with one another.
Does your friendship with them make it worthwhile dealing with the potential hurt or awkwardness involved with them dating your ex?
Also, does your friend seem to treat you differently now that they have found a new romance?
When you value your friendship, but you also have strong feelings against them dating your ex. You need to fully consider what maintaining a healthy friendship with them will look like moving forward.
If you can’t see yourself being friends with them while they are with your ex, or you believe keeping strong ties with them will be difficult with your ex firmly in the picture.
It’s time to consider how to manage your friendship and re-evaluate what staying firm friends with them will really mean for you.
11. Avoid Being Fake
Try to avoid being a fake friend and hiding your true emotions. You need to be genuine with your feelings, and honest to yourself and your friend about how them being with your ex is making you feel.
It’s very easy when we feel hurt to put on a mask to hide what we really think. You might say “I’m fine with you dating my ex!” and, “I think you make a good couple.” when in reality this couldn’t be further from the truth.
When you talk to your friend and you want to maintain your friendship. Be genuine with them and truthful with the words you say.
If the truth is too hot to handle for your friend or they don’t respect your feelings. It’s a sign that taking a break from your friendship because of your ex might be for the best.
12. Consider Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries with your friend is going to be seriously important if you have no intention of being in your ex’s company. You might have ended things with them on bad terms or had a bad breakup. This will make seeing your ex again an emotional and awkward ordeal for you.
However, the potential for seeing and bumping into your friend and your ex might be something that seems unavoidable. Especially if their relationship is getting serious.
So to tackle this you need to set essential boundaries in your friendship that you can both agree on.
These boundaries are not ultimatums. Instead, they are an understanding between you and your friend that they will avoid placing you in any of these kinds of situations due to how you feel. They can also agree to avoid sharing details about their relationship with you.
Aim to set these essential boundaries based on the feelings you share with your friend. However, don’t ask them to do things that seem unreasonable or seem like you are being pushy. This will only ever backfire and affect the health of your friendship.
13. Focus On Other Friendships
When you feel like your friend dating your ex is an example of them going behind your back. Or you’ve lost trust in them and feel like they no longer respect your feelings. It’s time to start focusing on other friends and begin cultivating new friendships.
When you have a large friendship group or maintain friendships with multiple people. Focusing on the betterment of these other friendships may help you take your mind off that one friend who is dating your ex.
If you feel strong feelings of anger, betrayal, jealousy, or envy towards your friend. It’s important to realize that they have made their choice and you have little to no control over their relationship.
However, you do have control over how you handle or maintain your other friendships.
If you focus your attention on other friends and grow your existing friendships to something greater than they were before. This may make you feel less worried about the one relationship that bothers you, and more concerned with having a good time with other friends.
How To Cope When Your Best Friend Is Dating Your Ex?
When you find out your friend is dating your ex it can be seriously difficult to find a way to cope with what is happening. You may feel devastated, betrayed, or as if your friend has gone behind your back in some way.
How do you cope when your friend is dating your ex? Do you follow what your heart is telling you by lashing out in anger and giving them a piece of your mind? Or do you try and be the better person and rise above this situation?
Instead of saying or doing things which you might regret later. Here are the tips you should follow to help you cope with your friend dating your ex.
1. Maintain A Healthy Distance
When you first find out the news of your friend and your ex’s new relationship. To help yourself cope you should start by maintaining a healthy distance between yourself and your friend.
By giving yourself some space between you, your friend, and your ex. This will give you the time you need to come to terms with the situation and figure out how it is making you feel.
It will also help you to decide the best way to confront or address the issue with your friend. It can give you time to figure out what to say or how to put your true feelings into words to your friend.
2. Assess Your Real Feelings
To have any chance of coping and moving on. You need to assess your feelings and know exactly how your friend dating your ex is affecting you emotionally.
Do you feel like you’ve been betrayed by your friend, or do you harbor feelings of anger, jealousy, or envy towards their new relationship?
No matter how it makes you feel. If you can come to terms with how you are genuinely feeling in this moment. You will stand a far greater chance of finding a way to overcome it or confront the real issues.
3. Have A Heart To Heart With Your Friend
Arranging to have a heart to heart with your friend about their new relationship is seriously important. Especially if you really don’t like the idea of them dating your ex.
Having a deep conversation with your friend and conveying some of your feelings towards them is crucial if you want to maintain a healthy friendship.
You need to know where you both stand on the issue and be genuine with one another. They need to be prepared to accept your feelings, and you need to be prepared to listen to theirs.
It’s not about pointing the figure of blame or having an argument. It’s more about establishing an understanding and looking for common ground with one another. This way the friendship you share can still remain firmly in place despite them now dating your ex.
4. Respect Your Friends Feelings
When it comes to friendships, you need to respect your friend’s feelings as much as your own. Just like you, they might also be going through emotional turmoil upon hearing that you don’t like the idea of them and your ex now dating.
If you want them to hear your side of the story, you also have to be prepared to listen to theirs. Be considerate of how they are feeling, and don’t make snap judgments you might regret later.
Listening to them talk about having feelings for your ex will be difficult to sit through. However, you need to be considerate if their feelings are genuine and put yourself in their shoes.
Consider what you would do in their situation. Would you date your friend’s ex if your heart was telling you to? And would you put your friendship in jeopardy for the sake of love?
Listen to the words your friend is telling you and weigh up everything that is going on. By listening to them and getting the full story you will have a much greater chance of coping, instead of being left in the dark.
5. Build New Friendships
To help yourself cope with your friend dating your ex. Focus on building new friendships and reconnecting with the friends you already have.
When you feel like it’s inevitable that you can’t remain friends with them because the dynamic in your friendship has shifted, or you just can’t stand seeing them with your ex. It’s time to put your other friends first to help you take your mind off the situation.
Arrange to spend quality time with your other friends and do things in your day that will increase the likelihood of you establishing friendships with new people.
6. Focus On Improving Your Life
Instead of falling into a pit of despair about your friend being with your ex. Focus on yourself first and do things to improve your happiness and wellbeing.
Put all of your focus and energy towards your other friends, your family, or hobbies and interests you’ve been looking to pursue.
Do things to better yourself as a person or switch your focus towards a career that will fullfill your ambitions.
Putting yourself first will help you cope, and you will spend a lot less time or emotional energy worrying about your friend’s relationship with your ex.
How Should I React To My Friend Dating My Ex?
If you are really not OK with your friend dating your ex. It’s important to talk to your friend openly about how it’s making you feel and why.
How you react to your friend dating your ex will depend on the circumstances. This is the reason it can be a good idea to give yourself time to think or consider how to approach your friend with your feelings about them dating your ex.
It’s not a good idea to make snap judgments or react in a way that could jeopardize your friendship.
Give yourself time to put your feelings into words, and to ensure that you fully understand all of the facts before approaching this situation.
Is It OK For My Best Friend To Date My Ex?
While it’s normally OK for your friend to date your ex, especially if you ended on good terms with them or simply grew apart. It can be a problem if you are personally are not happy with it, and your friend clearly knows this.
If you believed you had an agreement in place with your friend to never date one another’s exes. Then when your friend starts dating your ex it will feel like a betrayal or as if they have gone behind your back in some way.
You will feel like the trust you had in them has broken down, or that your friend simply doesn’t respect your wishes. You will need to confront them and share your feelings on whether or not you think it’s OK.
While it’s not uncommon for friends to start dating the ex of other friends, especially in smaller friendship groups. It’s normally only OK for your friend to date your ex when you both have an understanding and are happy to accept this new relationship.
FAQs
Is It Bad To Date Your Friend’s Ex?
Knowing whether or not it is okay to date someone your friend dated can depend on how serious their relationship was, or if they still harbor feelings for their ex. If they tell you they still have hold feelings for their ex, or still love them. Then it’s probably not a good idea to start dating their ex.
You need to find a way to approach the subject with them and be honest about your feelings. Anything short of that could have a big impact on how your friendship is maintained, or how your further actions could affect their feelings.
Can You Still Be Friends If They’re Dating Your Ex?
Yes, it’s still possible to remain good friends with someone who is dating your ex providing you are both comfortable with the situation. However, you will both need to talk together about what effect this may have on your friendship and be honest with your feelings.
If you are unhappy about them dating your ex or don’t feel comfortable being in the company of your friend whilst they are with your ex. Try to set boundaries in your friendship that help you maintain a healthy distance from your ex, and their relationship.
Are Friends Exes Strictly Off-Limits?
While it may be commonly believed or understood that a friend’s exes should be strictly off-limits to you when it comes to dating. There is no hard and fast rule that says that you can’t date your friend’s ex. That is unless it was already established as a boundary line not to cross in your friendship.
When considering whether or not to date your friend’s ex. You need to use your own judgment to assess the situation. You also need to realize that dating them could make things difficult in your friendship. Your friend could say “I’m fine with you dating” when in reality they are not. Use your judgment and talk to your friend.
Is My Ex Using My Friend To Get Me Back?
While it’s possible that your ex may be looking to date your friend as a way to get closer to you or rekindle your lost relationship. This usually depends on the circumstances and whether or not their feelings for your friend are genuine.
If you feel like your ex might be using your friend as a way to win you back or make you jealous. Then you first need to talk to your friend openly about these concerns and feelings to help yourself establish the truth.
Why Does It Hurt To See My Ex With Someone Else?
It hurts to see your ex with someone else because you have not fully healed from the breakup. You might have liked the idea of them being single, but now they are with someone new you can’t help but miss the feeling that they were hung up on you.
[Read: How Do I Stop Thinking About My Ex?]
When your ex gets into a new relationship. It’s completely natural to be curious about what your past relationship really meant to them. Are they fully over you now? Or is it you that is still hung up on them?
It hurts because of your human. You put value in your past relationships, memories, and feelings of connection with somebody else. When it’s gone it hurts, but it takes time to heal and move forward.
